[ Her eyes lock onto the tapes, the feeling of discomfort radiating off of him. It sets off warning bells like when when Simon wanted to test out a new medication. ]
No, I don't. Stationary placement doesn't guarantee calm.
[ it comes with a somewhat weak smile. yeah, he doesn't exactly feel like standing still right now, but he forces himself not to pace for river's sake, because she's already looking skittish as it is. he doesn't move from where he is, just gestures to his desk. ]
I, ah... Those were delivered to me by mistake. I thought you might...want them. To keep, or destroy, or -- whatever you want.
[ he watched them before he texted her. of course he watched them. he probably shouldn't have watched them. no, he definitely shouldn't have watched them. he should tell her he watched them. he's just not sure exactly how to phrase "so i know it was probably a massive violation of your privacy but i was really curious and couldn't help myself and i'm really sorry" in a way that's less... well. in a way that isn't that. ]
[ And it starts getting clearer. She pulls her sweater around her tightly like it can shut it out. She takes a step closer, eyes darting between the recordings and Miles himself. The weight in her stomach becomes a knot.
When she finally touches them she speaks softly, voice wavering. ]
Yes. [ miles looks about as guilty as he feels -- and sad, too. a little tired. but he doesn't hesitate to answer or try to lie. ] I'm sorry.
[ he draws in a breath and lets it trickle out. ]
I didn't think -- I didn't know what they were. Not that that makes it alright. I shouldn't have -- I'm sorry.
[ he's not looking at her with fear, but something approaching worry or concern -- mostly he looks sad, incipient righteous indignation flickering under the surface. only two words ran through his head when he finished that footage: jackson's whole. he'd have sworn that cam straight out of jackson's whole if he didn't know it was from river's world. curiosity overwhelms him once again. ]
[ If she were Simon she could explain this clinically, cut herself off from the scar tissue and constant awareness of everything going on around her. But she isn't Simon and this is a new wound, an exhumed grave that exposed the girl she was before.
Before Miranda burrowed into her mind and knotted up her insides until she could barely talk.
She gives Miles a look. All anger and pain. It wasn't his fault he got the recordings but he got the shovel and started digging. She starts to pace because it's better than running. ]
Whatever they wanted. Cut me open and rummaged around to find out what made me tick.
[ miles flinches -- not just at that look, but the way she paces, distress and anger radiating from her. but he's horrified, upset, unable to stop himself. ]
Why? God, why?
[ it really does sound like something out of jackson's whole, the more he hears about it. he remembers his mission there all too well, the manufactured horrors of some house or another, the fear and contempt bred in it, the vicious, survivalist atmosphere. eat, or be eaten. sell, or be sold. miles thinks of taura as he looks at river, belly gone cold. what did they want to use you for? ]
[ There are a thousand answers to that question. Each and every one of them makes her want to scream until she can't anymore. But she can't, won't, because they'll make her sleep if she acts broken. She isn't, not anymore. There are scars and seams where she's been put back together different. But she can make sure he knows. She watches him, waits for a moment when he puts his hand down on the surface of the desk.
Quick as a flash, none of the tentative wariness from the videos, River seizes a pen and stabs it down into the wood between his fingers. ]
Because they needed someone who could hear everything. Someone who would know who to hurt.
[ It didn't matter if their dolls got hurt as long as they could perform their tricks. ]
[ miles's reflexes are just fast enough that he manages not to move when river comes at him like lightning, flinching as the pen drives into the desk with an audible thunk. he can taste his heart in the back of his throat, staring at river wide-eyed and unmoving, mouth open just enough for shallow breaths.
someone who would know how to hurt. oh, she knows how to hurt, alright -- miles knows training and conditioning when he sees it. but want to hurt... that's something else entirely. anger and old injury born out of fear and torment radiate off her like hot air from an exhaust. it makes him angry -- makes him remember taura, mark, every one of jackson's whole's victim of every dirty trade out there, because she might not have been made by jackson's whole but she was made by someone like it, and that's just as bad. worse, even, if their motivations were as bad as they appear. miles swallows, remembering their first meeting, and his voice goes soft, barely level. ]
[ There's some satisfaction in knowing he's afraid. It's the same part of her that wasn't sure when she cut Jayne. She tilts her head, the stream of consciousness a buzz in the background she can't ignore. ]
Names. Faces. Jackson's Whole. They like trying to break people.
[ the shock registers clearly on miles's face. she catches him by surprise. ]
Where did you -- [ he closes his mouth, brows drawing down, and his gaze falls on the vids again. his lips part again in silent understanding. he swallows, lookig back at her. no, she's not broken. maybe she was once upon a time, but miles would bet she's repaired herself, if that were the case. his voice is still soft. ] You must be a very good listener, then.
You can hear a lot from people. What they say, how they say it.
[ From the way they don't say something. She's not a little mouse anymore, not after the crucible that made her into a real girl all over again. This is her laying her cards out on the table, making sure he knows what he walked into. ]
Most folk don't, though. Most just poke around to find things out.
Poking around has its merits, but, ah...not so much in this case, I suppose.
[ he's got a healthy respect for river now, that's for damn sure. and it's illuminating, too -- not that they've spent much time talking, but he feels like he knows her much better than before. not a complete picture, not even close, but he can grasp the outline of it, maybe. someday, he'd like to be able to fill in the rest. ]
[ if she's aiming to make him feel ashamed, she's succeeded terrifically. boy oh boy is he ever uncomfortable. but he won't protest that he doesn't deserve it. sufficiently cowed, he shifts from foot to foot, but there's still a light of curiosity in his eyes as he looks at her. ]
Would you? Hurt, I mean.
[ he knows she was made to. that she could. but that's a choice. it's always a choice -- that, at least, he'd tried to impress on mark. river, though, seems to have had more opportunity to decide for herself than his brother. miles is just curious to know where she falls. ]
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no subject
No, I don't. Stationary placement doesn't guarantee calm.
no subject
[ it comes with a somewhat weak smile. yeah, he doesn't exactly feel like standing still right now, but he forces himself not to pace for river's sake, because she's already looking skittish as it is. he doesn't move from where he is, just gestures to his desk. ]
I, ah... Those were delivered to me by mistake. I thought you might...want them. To keep, or destroy, or -- whatever you want.
[ he watched them before he texted her. of course he watched them. he probably shouldn't have watched them. no, he definitely shouldn't have watched them. he should tell her he watched them. he's just not sure exactly how to phrase "so i know it was probably a massive violation of your privacy but i was really curious and couldn't help myself and i'm really sorry" in a way that's less... well. in a way that isn't that. ]
no subject
When she finally touches them she speaks softly, voice wavering. ]
You watched them.
[ It isn't a question. ]
no subject
[ he draws in a breath and lets it trickle out. ]
I didn't think -- I didn't know what they were. Not that that makes it alright. I shouldn't have -- I'm sorry.
[ he's not looking at her with fear, but something approaching worry or concern -- mostly he looks sad, incipient righteous indignation flickering under the surface. only two words ran through his head when he finished that footage: jackson's whole. he'd have sworn that cam straight out of jackson's whole if he didn't know it was from river's world. curiosity overwhelms him once again. ]
What...were they doing to you?
no subject
Before Miranda burrowed into her mind and knotted up her insides until she could barely talk.
She gives Miles a look. All anger and pain. It wasn't his fault he got the recordings but he got the shovel and started digging. She starts to pace because it's better than running. ]
Whatever they wanted. Cut me open and rummaged around to find out what made me tick.
no subject
Why? God, why?
[ it really does sound like something out of jackson's whole, the more he hears about it. he remembers his mission there all too well, the manufactured horrors of some house or another, the fear and contempt bred in it, the vicious, survivalist atmosphere. eat, or be eaten. sell, or be sold. miles thinks of taura as he looks at river, belly gone cold. what did they want to use you for? ]
no subject
Quick as a flash, none of the tentative wariness from the videos, River seizes a pen and stabs it down into the wood between his fingers. ]
Because they needed someone who could hear everything. Someone who would know who to hurt.
[ It didn't matter if their dolls got hurt as long as they could perform their tricks. ]
no subject
someone who would know how to hurt. oh, she knows how to hurt, alright -- miles knows training and conditioning when he sees it. but want to hurt... that's something else entirely. anger and old injury born out of fear and torment radiate off her like hot air from an exhaust. it makes him angry -- makes him remember taura, mark, every one of jackson's whole's victim of every dirty trade out there, because she might not have been made by jackson's whole but she was made by someone like it, and that's just as bad. worse, even, if their motivations were as bad as they appear. miles swallows, remembering their first meeting, and his voice goes soft, barely level. ]
And what do you hear now?
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Names. Faces. Jackson's Whole. They like trying to break people.
I'm not broken.
no subject
Where did you -- [ he closes his mouth, brows drawing down, and his gaze falls on the vids again. his lips part again in silent understanding. he swallows, lookig back at her. no, she's not broken. maybe she was once upon a time, but miles would bet she's repaired herself, if that were the case. his voice is still soft. ] You must be a very good listener, then.
no subject
[ From the way they don't say something. She's not a little mouse anymore, not after the crucible that made her into a real girl all over again. This is her laying her cards out on the table, making sure he knows what he walked into. ]
Most folk don't, though. Most just poke around to find things out.
no subject
[ he's got a healthy respect for river now, that's for damn sure. and it's illuminating, too -- not that they've spent much time talking, but he feels like he knows her much better than before. not a complete picture, not even close, but he can grasp the outline of it, maybe. someday, he'd like to be able to fill in the rest. ]
I won't tell anyone.
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[ She picks up the discs. She won't destroy them. She wants to share them with Wanda eventually. Maybe Simon if he ever comes. ]
Opening someone else's mail just 'cause you're curious. It's like to get you hurt.
no subject
Would you? Hurt, I mean.
[ he knows she was made to. that she could. but that's a choice. it's always a choice -- that, at least, he'd tried to impress on mark. river, though, seems to have had more opportunity to decide for herself than his brother. miles is just curious to know where she falls. ]